14th June 2015

Taiwan trip is generally finalised for now. Did some last minute changes yesterday. Contemplating altering the last 3-4days of the trip to just cafe hopping in Taipei. Feeling exhausted. But I don't trust myself to slow down. Was thking of leaving my laptop at home, but I guess I better bring it if Im cafe hopping. 

Flying on Tues, AM. Heading to airport on Monday night. 

For the first time in my entire life, I can't really say Im looking forward to this trip. Given a choice, I might just prefer to just sleep at home the next week. 

There was no turning back when I started cancelling and rebooking stuff for the trip when I got home yesterday. I was so busy doing all these last nite, I did not have time to feel. All I felt was just numbness. A sense of finality. 

Few days ago, was still happily anticipating the trip with him. 

We finally ended yesterday, exactly 4mths. 

3 days before the trip we were supposed to take together. Next time I shouldn't go Taiwan when Im attached. Seems like everytime I go there, total of 4 times including this coming trip, I'm single. Haha. The first time I went Taiwan in 2006, I also went there not long after ending a RS. But the difference was, I wasn't heartbroken that time. 

We almost broke up 3mths into the RS, and at that point, I sank into depression for a few days. Everything seems to trigger my tears and I simply can't stop it. The only thing that pulled me out of that state was becos we decided to work on the RS, instead of ending it. 

It was alot better from then onwards, while we both tried our best to make it work. It was pretty blissful for awhile, actually. For awhile, I tot that maybe we could make it last. 

4mths may not have been a long time to be with someone. But in these 4mths, I had went thru many happy moments as well as heartbreaking ones. 

As I thk through my life, trying to recall how I felt in all my RS, I thk my happiest moments might have been with him. Problem is, he is also responsible for some of my most heartbreaking moments. An emotional rollercoaster, I would say. 

Given a choice, would I choose to be with someone who could make me extremely happy, as well as extremely sad, or would I rather be with someone who doesn't make me go thru the extreme highs and lows, and instead just make me "normally happy"? 

Given a choice to go back in time and re-do this again, would I still choose to be with him? 

Im not sure I can answer that. 

Did we make the right choice to give up when we did? Did we give up too early? Given time, could we have made it work? Could I have gotten used to his ways over time and not get affected so adversely, and love him just the way he is?

Why was it so hard to make the RS work, despite the intense feelings I have for him? Why did I have to fall so hard if he wasn't the one? 

Why? 

All I have are heartbreaking questions and no answers. 

When we first met, I tot he was the one I've been looking for. Even now, I still wished he is. 

I wonder what the hell went wrong. What changed?

Despite everything, I thk we did love each other. At the very least, I learnt to love someone, to truly care for someone. 

Would I ever want to fall for someone this hard again? 

The last time I was in a RS before this, I came out of it, so broken, it took me yrs to decide to try again. 

I'm not sure how long this one will take. How long will it take me to get over this fear of RS and forget abt the pain it inevitably brings and risk my heart again? 

Maybe 2mths, maybe 2yrs, maybe never. 

The fact that we had ended finally started to sink in this morning. Im still functional, still holding it there. As long as I dun let my myself slow down and let my thoughts drift to him. To us.