26th June 2015

Saw this article (http://mothership.sg/2015/06/10-achievements-unlocked-when-you-were-growing-up-in-90s-spore/), and my mind went back so many yrs into my past. The rather carefree days back when I was still young.

I have done 9 of them, haha. 

Brings me back to the time when my BFF and I went Orchard for the first time, with her and another fren. Our mission was to buy a present for my crush. Pretty intimidating to go to Orchard for the first time, to be honest. haha. 

I was a very different gal growing up. I was painfully shy, and did not talk much to ppl. I simply assumed ppl do not wan to talk to me. No idea why I thought that... 

My self esteem was low, I had no confidence, I was afraid of many things. And definitely afraid to be embarassed. I recalled that day we went to Mos Burger for food, and I wasnt sure how to go about ordering, so I said I did not want to eat. 

I cannot imagine how much I've changed since then. 

Now, I just do whatever the hell I want. If im not sure how to order, I ask the person taking my order. Making it their problem, not mine.. lol. 

Nowadays, company is appreciated, but not required for me to enjoy any activity. Happy just to be spending time with one of my favourite gal, me :) This is a long way from the gal who didn't even like to eat alone and needed company for alot of things. 

And maybe that was why I always seem to have a BF in my life back then.. Was never single for long.. Possibly also becos it was easier to get over a breakup and also get into a new RS back then.. 

Had plenty of crushes growing up, serious ones, a few. At the point, you really thought you are in love, but its really just a crush. I met up with one of my most serious crush from time to time over the course of the past.. 15yrs? Definitely not feeling the love or anything, but it was nice to meet up and just chat abt the past and see how its going for him. 

And even though I was dying to date him back in secondary sch, would I date him now? No. Haha. Becos I simply dun thk we have a spark or anything at all.. 

Nevertheless, I really treasure those sweet memories I had back in the days... 

I guess its all part of growing up. You are stronger than you give urself credit for, and most of the time, the fear is just in your head ;) And I thk, it still applies now ;)

Die la. Sign of old age. Keeps reminiscing about the past. Damn. 

25th June 2015

Been a hectic two weeks or so. Finally, back home to familar grounds, feeling so much more grounded. 

The trip was a band aid, to be honest. But it helped alot. 

When a RS ends, both parties have to take some responsibilties. Looking back at my past RS, I would say I have done some of them wrong. Maybe I just didn't know what love was supposed to be. Maybe some of them were not meant to be. I could pinpoint what my fault was in all those failed RS, and quite a few were my fault. Even though, I wished it wasnt. 

If I had been this person I am now, when I dated them, the endings with some of them would have been alot different. 

Maybe it's the right person at the wrong time. Still its all in the past, and Im grateful to have them love me the way I probably did not deserve to be loved back then. At least, I guess I might have taught some of them what the wrong person is like. And probably helped them in their next RS :x

Hey, at least they are all happy now, I thk. I have nothing but well wishes for all of them. Even the ones who are real jerks and don't deserve it. Oops.

As for this RS that just ended, I won't blame myself for this. 

We were once happy, but somewhere along the line, he changed. Or maybe he just showed his true self and I refuse to see him for who he really is. To be honest, even though I have to take some responsibilties for this RS, the main reason why this one fail is not on me. And Im not about to claim credit where its not due ;) 

At some point, I really thought that if I compromised and made it to the point where we travel / live together, all these problems would no longer matter. Becos by then, time spent together is not an issue, neither are texting, phone calls, whatever. 

Ya, Im silly that way.

But I've learnt alot from this RS too. Horrible experience though. 

My limits, how much I can take, before I give up. Apparently, after I compromised too much and felt taken for granted, thats the point. If I had felt appreciated for my efforts, would I have still called it off? Maybe not. (At this point, my frens would probably start saying things like, I can't talk to you anymore. You are not thinking straight.)

Things I cannot tolerate in a BF. Someone who shuts down and go into silent mode when upset or angry for days or weeks? Hell no. 

About compromising in a Rs... When u truly loved, its simply something that you will do, willingly. When you loved someone, doing something big or small to make him/her happy, is really not a big deal, and its something you want to do. 

Anyway.. Moving on... 

Life is really too short to waste, thinking about things that no longer exist. 

Despite everything, it was a wonderful trip. I actually did Alishan and Penghu all by myself ;) I never wanted to do these two places, despite going to Tw many times, is becos they seem difficult to do alone. But what this trip taught me, you're tougher than you give urself credit for ;) And also.. most things are easier than you think :P

Hiking in Alishan, all by myself. Granted, it's very safe, but if I had slipped and fallen off somewhere, I could never be found. So ya, thats the danger part :P

Despite that, it was wonderful to hike there. Go imagine a nature walk, where you dun sweat... Becos its so cooling :D Air is so fresh, everywhere is so green and peaceful.. I don't mind doing that again in the future :P And I might possibly stay in the same Minsu I did this time round. 

My Minsu was near a trail, which I wanted to hike, but the day when I wanted to hike, it was really dark and misty.. The possibilty of slipping and falling off somewhere does not appeal to me.. So I skipped. 

Penghu is lovely. I almost went in Jan this yr, but there was no island hopping in winter.. Penghu is also crazy windy in Jan.. So i did not go in the end. Finally, I got a chance to go this time. 

First day, I spent my time walking around Magong City on foot. Ok, I can't cycle and I dun have a license.. hence, only walking for me. Its a big island to walk around on foot.. Haha.. 

Anyway... Chanced upon a Cat Theme Cafe, went in and found this old Taiwanese lady running the cafe. She was friendly and nice. Asked about me, was once again, amazed that Im here all alone and planning to go island hopping the next day. She was so worried about me getting left behind on one of the island alone that she started calling up someone she knew about the island hopping tours to guide me thru how those island hopping cruises works. Funny thing is, she thought I was Taiwanese.. Said my chinese sounded local. Local as in Penghu. Lol.. Fascinating, since thats the first time I was in Penghu :P

Second day, island hopping. Seriously, its crazy hot in June. And I mean crazy hot. To avoid getting sunburnt, I wore a jacket over my clothes, to protect my body when I went island hopping. And I wore sunblock all over me. Kept applying on my face everytime I get the chance. Sweating like mad -_-" I thk I used up half a bottle of my newly bought sunblock -_-

Other than me, the rest of the ppl on the island hopping cruise are all locals. They were friendly and certainly curious about me. Im the only one who came solo. Most of them came as couples or with families or friends. I stick with some of them, chatted with some of them. Very nice people :D

When they realised I was not a Taiwanese and actually came travelling here solo, they were so amazed :P Frankly, after so many people telling me how amazed they are that I managed to do all these places alone, Im really beginning to thk Im really amazing too :P

Taipei is nice and familar. I stayed near Songshan Airport area this round. Its an ok area to stay, but I thk I still prefer to stay near Taipei Main Stn area. 

Done with Taiwan for now. 4 trips so far, time to give other countries a chance :D

Next Stop, Vietnam ;) Looking forward to it!

17th June 2015

It's misty outside, I can see the mist entering my room thru the windows. 

Second day of my Taiwan trip. First day was really great, felt like it was a cure for my sadness. Today wasnt too bad either. Just two stupid breakdowns. Sunglasses are good for such instances. It felt like.. the trip is surpressing my sadness, not curing it. Thats why it randomly breaks out. Nevertheless, Im glad I came on the trip. 

Was up at 4am+, out the door by 4.45am to see the sunrise. My two cute escorts really made my day :D

Kinda tired of people asking me, wow, u came to Alishan alone? They must have thought Im super brave or a freak. Ah well. It actually wasnt too bad. Guess I will be getting the same thing in Penghu, the next two days as well... 

Emotionally, feeling alot calmer than 2 days back. To be honest, sometimes, I felt like if I could have just given in more, perhaps eventually he might realised just how much Im compromising, and actually appreciate me more. 

Unfortunately, that could possibly be the biggest mistake I made.

The more I compromises, the more I had to compromise.

The more I tolerated, and try not to take things to heart, the more "Stunts" I get. 

Sometimes the things he do, really amazes me. I have no idea how everyone's RS works, but I have dated enough, and actually do know enough ppl to know its not normal. 

In normal Rs, a person wakes up, the first person that came to their mind, the one he/she loves. Inevitably, u will wan to text them. Good morning or something, simply becos u misses them and you would like them to start the day thking abt you too. 

If you misses someone, u call / text them. If a guy goes MIA the entire day until evening without contact... Come on... Don't use busy as bullshit reason. You simply dun miss them enough to contact them. 

I've been told that normally a guy should be more forgiving and tolerant. In most cases that I know, the guy usually is the one who apologises more and give in more. At least if he values you enough, that is. 

Weekends are obviously reserved for your other half. Really amazing that such things actually need to be specified... I felt like I had to fight for even one day a week with my bf. 

After an argument, guys should never go MIA. It simply implies they don't care how its affecting their gf. Simple as that. 

Petty and insignificant? Not really. Everything that you do, implies how much you love or value the other person. Love is a verb, not noun, you show with actions, not words. 

If you don't even care to show u that you miss them or care how they felt due to your actions, how much do you really love? 

I changed and compromised so much for this RS. The stuff he said he cannot stand, fine, I try my best to change. Not that he has any idea how hard it is to supress being emo. Im female damn it. Im naturally emo! Yet, Im expected to accept him for who he is. 

I guess at some point, I realised that I compromised and changed for him, becos I loved him. And the reason that he was not willing to compromise for me, slapped me right in the face. 

I guess I was rudely awaken, when once again, I tried to get him to compromise on something simple as calling me when Im not working, instead of texting. Since we argue on text alot. And I got hit with a "bargain" term. 

At that moment, I could have easily compromised and all will be well. But it was not whether it was an easy compromise or not. 

It was becos I realised, no matter how much I do for him, he had already taken it all for granted. The imbalance in the relationship is already there. 

No matter what I compromise and change, all he will contribute to this rs, is his approval of whether I've changed. All the while, staying who he is, becos "no one should have to change" in a Rs. 

I guess I could take alot of things, like not texting often. Always busy. And I meant ALWAYS. If I din know better, he could be already attached or married since he is barely there. 

Im almost always the one breaking the silence in a cold war these days. Always the one trying to talk and solve the issue. 

Frankly, these werent the killers. They sux, but I can handle it, becos I believe, no matter what, he loves me. 

Probably the only thing keeping me going. 

Unfortunately, if I compromised so much becos I love him, and yet he wouldn't compromise for me. I already lost the only reason I had to keep it going. 

Perhaps he did love me. But I loved him more than I loved myself. And I can say the same thing for him too. He simply loved himself more than he will ever love me.

You can't force love. It simply either exist, or it dun. 

At the very least, Im glad I am capable of loving someone, learnt to compromise for the sake of love, and even putting him before me. Not to mention that my tolerance level is seriously high now. 

All I ever wanted was to feel loved. Simple things would have surfice, and made  me very happy. Yet, even though he knew what I needed, he wouldnt even lift a finger. 

Saying Im disappointed, is an understatement. That kind of pain, from knowing just how little he bothers abt your wellbeing, no words can describe. 

I did not end it becos I stopped loving him. I ended it becos I needed to love myself too and needed to stop breaking my own heart. 

14th June 2015

Taiwan trip is generally finalised for now. Did some last minute changes yesterday. Contemplating altering the last 3-4days of the trip to just cafe hopping in Taipei. Feeling exhausted. But I don't trust myself to slow down. Was thking of leaving my laptop at home, but I guess I better bring it if Im cafe hopping. 

Flying on Tues, AM. Heading to airport on Monday night. 

For the first time in my entire life, I can't really say Im looking forward to this trip. Given a choice, I might just prefer to just sleep at home the next week. 

There was no turning back when I started cancelling and rebooking stuff for the trip when I got home yesterday. I was so busy doing all these last nite, I did not have time to feel. All I felt was just numbness. A sense of finality. 

Few days ago, was still happily anticipating the trip with him. 

We finally ended yesterday, exactly 4mths. 

3 days before the trip we were supposed to take together. Next time I shouldn't go Taiwan when Im attached. Seems like everytime I go there, total of 4 times including this coming trip, I'm single. Haha. The first time I went Taiwan in 2006, I also went there not long after ending a RS. But the difference was, I wasn't heartbroken that time. 

We almost broke up 3mths into the RS, and at that point, I sank into depression for a few days. Everything seems to trigger my tears and I simply can't stop it. The only thing that pulled me out of that state was becos we decided to work on the RS, instead of ending it. 

It was alot better from then onwards, while we both tried our best to make it work. It was pretty blissful for awhile, actually. For awhile, I tot that maybe we could make it last. 

4mths may not have been a long time to be with someone. But in these 4mths, I had went thru many happy moments as well as heartbreaking ones. 

As I thk through my life, trying to recall how I felt in all my RS, I thk my happiest moments might have been with him. Problem is, he is also responsible for some of my most heartbreaking moments. An emotional rollercoaster, I would say. 

Given a choice, would I choose to be with someone who could make me extremely happy, as well as extremely sad, or would I rather be with someone who doesn't make me go thru the extreme highs and lows, and instead just make me "normally happy"? 

Given a choice to go back in time and re-do this again, would I still choose to be with him? 

Im not sure I can answer that. 

Did we make the right choice to give up when we did? Did we give up too early? Given time, could we have made it work? Could I have gotten used to his ways over time and not get affected so adversely, and love him just the way he is?

Why was it so hard to make the RS work, despite the intense feelings I have for him? Why did I have to fall so hard if he wasn't the one? 

Why? 

All I have are heartbreaking questions and no answers. 

When we first met, I tot he was the one I've been looking for. Even now, I still wished he is. 

I wonder what the hell went wrong. What changed?

Despite everything, I thk we did love each other. At the very least, I learnt to love someone, to truly care for someone. 

Would I ever want to fall for someone this hard again? 

The last time I was in a RS before this, I came out of it, so broken, it took me yrs to decide to try again. 

I'm not sure how long this one will take. How long will it take me to get over this fear of RS and forget abt the pain it inevitably brings and risk my heart again? 

Maybe 2mths, maybe 2yrs, maybe never. 

The fact that we had ended finally started to sink in this morning. Im still functional, still holding it there. As long as I dun let my myself slow down and let my thoughts drift to him. To us.