8th May 2015 Friday

Sick for a few days, finally well enough to go out yesterday and enjoy myself. 

Had a wonderful one hour yoga session today. First yoga session in over a year. My last yoga class was in Jan 2014. A peaceful, and zen one hour. No messy thoughts. Just breathe in and out... Leave your thoughts outside the room... Just focus on breathing.. Be present.. 

I gotta get me more of that :D

I thk my sore throat's not too bad now, but my stupid stomach is acting weird. Oh boy, one after the other. But no worries, I'm really hard to kill ;) 

If I could drag myself to the doctor after more than 12hrs of pain and diarrhea from food poisoning, I can probably live through most things. A few yrs back, I thk it was Dec 2012. I had terrible stomach pain when I was about to go to bed one nite. Thoughout the nite, I was constantly in pain, and having diarrhea. Couldn't sleep. Thought about calling an ambulance. I made it till morning, fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. I was severely dehydrated and at the point of collapsing.. But strangely, no one living in the same house knew. Managed to drag myself to the doctor and got a jab. 

Most important take away from lying in bed, sick and miserable a few days ago : "At the end of the day, you only have yourself to fall back on, so it is exceedingly important to be able to handle things on your own."

I could never agreed that family is the most important part of your life and they will always be there for you. Likewise for all other relationships. I believe that for any relationships, kinship or otherwise, you should not automatically assume they will be there for you in your time of needs. Actions will speak louder than anything. 

I never relied on my family. Maybe becos it was never an option. 

My independence came from my upbringing. Not that I was given a choice really. If you want money, work for it. This is something imprinted in my mind even when I was little. Back in Primary sch, if I wanted money for toys or titbits, I would walk half an hour to school with my heavy school bag to save 25cents. Walk to and fro, save 50cents every school day. 

Many years ago, when I was in secondary school, there was once I was sick at home for 4days. Ya, I was damn stubborn, trying to let a fever go away on its own without taking panadol. I really really hated taking tablets. Its really disgusting -.- And I admit, I was stupid. 

Anyway, feverish and not much of an appetite for 4 days.. On the 4th day, I felt well enough to go out to get some lunch. I walked 5min to the coffeeshop to get food. Ended up, I fainted right in the middle of the road on the way back. Apparently, I had once again over-estimated how much I can take. Thankfully, there wasnt any vehicles at that time, and ppl in the coffeeshop saw me fainted and rush over to help me over to the police post right across the road. Think I must have scared the old lady who was trying to cross the road beside me half to death. >_<

Ambulance came, I fainted becos of low blood sugar. Asked if I wanted to be sent to the hospital to be put on drip. I declined. The first tot that came to mind was, who the heck was gonna pay for that.. Would probably get a scolding from my mum if she had to pay for that. 

Perhaps the saddest thing was, there wasnt anyone home, and back then, none of my family was contactable. I ended up sitting in the police post, with my lunch. No idea how long rested there. The police let me go home with the promise to call back to them when I reach home safely. Come to thk of it, how come the police did not send me home?! I live just one block away -.-

Anyway.. after that incident, my mum got herself a cellphone so she can be contacted should anything happen. I can't say she don't care for me. Just that I no longer feel that I can rely on her. 

Trusting someone to be there for you, is risky business until they earned it. With expectations, invariably comes disappointment. Perhaps its better to simply take a risk adverse approach, and stop expecting. 

Afterall, I have always been the only one that's always been there for me. Who else better to rely on than myself? ;) Not a pessimist, just a realist. Realists are happier ;)

Not that Im not grateful for people who have been there for me in my time of need. Im truly grateful for those who were there for me at one point or another. They have proven to me that some people can still be relied on. Just not everyone can be. 

Ultimately, I thk that most of the time, even though we probably could handle everything by ourselves, we just wished that someone would cared enough to want be there.