15th April 2015

Been a few mths of trading. Still very unstable. Will have to see how it all goes. Have to stabilize it somehow. I have to.

Recently, a lot of tots running around in my mind all the time. So many things. It's exhausting. Thking is probably one of the most exhausting thing ever...

Sometimes you find urself in situations you cannot change. You feel trapped, cornered, frustrated.

I find myself not wanting to go out. Just waning to lie in bed all day n do nothing. Feeling drained.

And not knowing how to shake off that crappy mood.

At one point, I wondered if I'm depressed. But I don't think I'm there yet. But definitely stressed out.

Would be very nice... More than nice actually... to be able to just take off... To somewhere far far away...

25th Mar 2015

One of those weeks...

Stressed out and tired... Way too many thoughts abt life... Work... Am I wasting my time... How to get more money...

Needed happy thoughts so I would stop stressing... Started pulling happy thoughts from my memories and all the thoughts that came to mind were of only one person...

That time we had to take bus from jurong east becos of the train fault... I smiled becos at the point when I tot of this, I was sitting in the same seat on the bus as that time.

The thought that I've gotten so comfortable around him... That sometimes, I forgot to be my public self around him -_-

Wishing he was here instead of so far away... Wanted to leave him a message anyway, even if he might not get to see it until he gets connected to wifi... Maybe when he is back in Sg.

At this point, I realized that he had probably claimed a larger space in my heart than I tot he had...

Maybe there really is a law of attraction... Becos at that point he suddenly pop out in my fb messenger, after dropping off the face of the earth for two days without internet connection...

If this doesn't prove that law of attraction exist... I duno what will... :P

21st Mar 2015

I went to bed early last night. It had been an exhausting week and I didn't want to have a meltdown. 

Sometimes you don't even realised how exhausted you are until you finally hit bottom of the tank.

I guess I thought too highly of myself. Thking I could handle everything on my plate.

Feeling drained. Physically. Emotionally. 

Sleep. I missed you so much. 

One of those days where I just wanted to lie in bed. Doing nothing constructive or anything requiring any thking. I thk I doze off somewhere, while trying to quieten the thoughts in my mind... And realising that you can't simply blank out your thoughts.. You can only replace the thoughts you don't want, with something else as a distraction.

Lazy day, good day for watching sex and the city. Of the 4 of them, I see some of me in Charlotte, but mostly Carrie. I see her feeling insecure over the little things, which unfortunately meant alot to her, and very little to the man she is dating. 

Personally, I think that all women have simple wishes. They just wanted someone to love and to be loved in return. The way they needed to be loved. 

Did it ever occur to men that, if you do not love a person the way she needs to be loved, its only "love" to you, not her? 

I'm guessing not. 

Finding someone you can fall in love with is already hard enough. Finding that someone who feels the same, is even harder. And finding someone who is able and willing to love you the way you want to be loved? Well... 

Its bullshit when men say they don't want you to change for them. Obviously one party has to in a RS. Guess who?

Why is it always the women who have to change and not the men? Simply becos "You can't change a man"? Of course not. 

Women have to change themselves and adapt to the things men "can't" change. 

On the other hand, men always changes when it suits them. Most noticeably, are the things they do to get you. You would be lucky to even see a shred of those things left after being in a RS. Their reasoning? It's not "realistic" to do on a long term basis. 

And since when does showing someone how much you care and love them becomes something you can't do on a long term basis? 

If you love someone, why would it become a chore to do anything for them? 

Starting a RS is not hard. Maintaining one, is. 

Rs do not die of natural causes, ever. They die becos you stop doing things to keep it alive. 

Women do not overthink. Men underthink. 

4th March 2015

One of those days that started out really crappy. No thanks to spillover effects from various things yesterday.

Woke up too early. Again -_- this is really happening way too often.

But at least I got to work early ;)

I guess I almost drove my poor colleague sitting beside me nuts with my sighing. I do that a lot too these days. I wished I had realised earlier what all these meant.

The realisation that I had stopped prioritizing my needs hit me yesterday. What happened to all the things I need and love doing?

I haven't been remotely Paleo for a long time. My digestive system is definitely unhappy.

And I din even blink when I simply toss my meal prep plans on Sat which no one had been able to make me give it up previously.

No meal prep, meant no paleo. Sigh.

I haven't been clocking my twice a week weights. I probably randomly did it once or twice recently... The hell happened to Sat being my workout day?

Pretty sure I haven't done HIIT at all this one month.

I haven't even gone to a new cafe for a long time.

Or work seriously on my trading.

I had lost my focus on the things that were important to me.

I simply felt exhausted. What the hell happened to me? Why did I even let it happen?

In short, if you are not going to take care of your needs, no one else will.

You are the only one who truly have your best interest and will never ever hurt you. Everyone else will at some point hurt you, if you let them. It's all on you, since they can't hurt you without your permission.

If you want to be happy, don't give anyone or anything the power to affect how you feel.

I choose to be happy.

And yes, it turned out to be a fantastic day from the moment I choose to be happy ;) Even random people I met were very kind :)

Even the cats didn't bolt when they saw me today... Lol...

So yea.. Lovely day ^^v

26th Feb 2015

Apparently, coffee is doing a gd job of keeping me awake this morning on my way home from work. Did not even have a headache or doze off on the bus. Despite being awake the whole night. Maybe coffee is my miracle drug ;)

When your brain is active, there is no way you could sleep even if you are really exhausted. Most days I wished I could just install a few switches.. And shutdown my brain like I shutdown my Pc...

Flip a switch, off to sleep I go. Flip a switch, turn off how I feel. Maybe a switch for instant happiness high... Lol. Luckily watching something funny works too ;)

While waiting for time to pass (while my hair mask is settling on my hair), decided to read Men are Mars, Women are from Venus. 

My thoughts on the matter? No matter how u read that book, these two are the opposites. They both want and need different things. Heck.. they don't even think in the same way. 

Men wants space. Women wants closeness. Given a choice, women probably want to spend time with their guy most of the time. But hey, just becos we are thking abt it, does not mean we are going to.  But it also doesnt mean we don't like that idea. Yea, I know, we are kinda complicated. 

If however a woman do not want to spend more time with you, for no good reason, the end is probably near. At least in dating context.. Be careful what you wish for...

Women are needy. But guess what? We hate being needy too, as much as men hate us being needy. The thing is, women generally have no problem with neediness, until they fall in a love. So...  can we blame it on the men then? Afterall, they bring out the neediness in us. Damn it. 

Women tend to overanalyse. Apparently, the brain functions when it comes to analysing what men says, are very advance on the Venusian models. We probably pick up on everything and anything.. Without even trying -.- 

Martian models? Most men have no idea what we are trying to say most of the time... Not sure to laugh or cry -_-" This would have been hilarious, had I not feel like strangling the guy when it happened.. Or strangling myself -_-

Most days, I have think that most women do know they can be unreasonable, but sometimes its just something we needed. No any other way about it. It's our DNA. 

I thk it probably means we gotta respect and acknowledge our differences and try to work with them. The differences between the two gender? They are not a decision or a choice. Its simply something that happens. 

These two are so different, yet they are attracted to the other. Maybe it's someone's idea of a joke... And now they are just watching us for entertainment... 

Its a surprise we are not all strangling the other out of sheer frustration... 

Perhaps the truly enlightened ones are the ones who decided to date the same gender... Do they have the same problems? Hmm. 

Strange thoughts. Maybe my brain is functioning at a different level after only 3 hrs of sleep. Maybe this is how enlightenment feels like. Let's hope I can shut it down properly tonite.

Sleep. I need sleep. 

Dear brain, please stop overclocking and shutdown properly tonite. I know you are rebelling becos u are upset. But hey, stop trying to kill me. Im all you have. Plus Im looking like a panda already.. but nowhere as cute -_-

10 Feb 2015

Since a while back... Ok a very long while back, I was wondering if I will ever meet that guy I'm looking for.

It's like Cupid's forgotten all about me. 

Nothing I could do about it, its not something you can "work hard" and get good results. 

Generally, the answers I got from frens who found their partners :

- You will know when it happens.
- If there is something that bugs you about tat person, he is not the one.
- You won't remember your list when it happen

Just as I decided, forget it. I'm focusing on other stuff instead. Finding that someone is simply not happening for me. 

That's when somehow, it happened. I actually found him.

I've been told that my guards are up, and I'm too cautious when it comes to dating.

I wonder.

Because, if that's the case, what the hell happened?

Totally no idea how the hell it happened. Only that it happened -_-"

Time passes so slow when Im not with him. Im always wishing for Friday and weekends to come even though they pretty much do not mean anything to me for the past 4 yrs or so. Zzzz

And now I wonder what would change for me. After being single for so long. I kinda love this me. She is independent, pretty rational and is happy. 

Looking back to the time when I was in a RS, it didn't go too well. Was it becos they were the wrong ones? Or was it me? 

I gotta admit, I've changed alot after so many yrs of being Single. But thats my Single Self. I wonder if my "when Im attached" self did change and grow up too. 

I haven't met her for a while, and we are pretty much strangers now. Time to get to know her a little better. 

7th Jan 2015

A new year, my focus is all on trading. One of my two main goals currently. 

Still alot to work on. There are good trades and there are stupid ones.. Gotta stop making stupid trades.. and learn to take profit at the right timing. Always miss out on my profits becos I did not take my profits earlier. 

Currently stuck to this new drama.. Alot of thoughts on this drama. There are 3 single ladies in this drama, all aged 31. One of them, she really live life to the max. She basically works for 6mths and then travel for the next 6mths with the money she makes. Really admire her passion for life. Maybe there's something I can learn from her ;)

Particularly loved this from the drama : 

"有人說青春像用一頂鮮嫩玫瑰
編織成的后冠，戴上它妳就能
收到赦免和優待

30之後妳覺得妳依舊是自己，
但身邊的人卻會用青春已逝，
年輕不再當武器，
逼妳走進名為婚姻的城堡，
告訴妳女大當嫁，
不結婚對不起整個世界，
只是城堡裡的生活就一定幸福美滿嗎?
童話故事只說到王子和公主
從此過著幸福快了的日子就不敢再說下去，
是不是因為作者比誰都清楚，
其實進入城堡裡的生活並不是那麼美好

有人為了該不該進去、怎麼進去而苦惱，
也有人根本不當回事依然我行我素自由自在，
站在城堡外的我看不見裡頭的生活，但嚮往著，
只是看見曾經進入城堡的朋友那麼辛苦、難過，
最後選擇離開，是不是不進去、不嚮往比較好，
到底從什麼時候開始，
30歲變成女人的枷鎖，30歲得這樣，
30歲必須那樣，也許不想要、不在乎，
這社會卻粗魯的敲醒妳、
催促妳必須這樣、那樣，
女人30歲後的人生怎麼樣才算合乎規格，
又要怎麼做才能昂然無懼的面對整個世界?"

Alot of thoughts on this paragraph. It appears that other than mid life crisis that everyone go thru, women also have to go thru the 30yrs old crisis exclusive to them. So not fair... Ah well... :/

Other than trading and drama, been doing alot of travel research recently :

- I thk Taipei and Seoul would be my ideal cities to live in. As much as I love Japan and Hongkong as well, the cost of living is higher over there. Price of house rental in Hongkong is pretty crazy when u compare it to Taipei.. 

- Price of short term rentals in Taipei is pretty affordable. 

- Most ppl do Visa runs from Taipei via Hongkong. Visa runs for Korea, usually u do it from Japan. Sounds like fun :D Hope to do it soon ;)